Aging Gracefully

David Burned

The thumb is a useful digit. This is not news to anyone, especially evolutionary scientists who believe that the adaption of the opposable thumb for gripping is what separates us from most other mammals, in addition to our table manners.

I was surprised to learn that there are other animals who have this special thumb, including great apes and lesser apes and even Koalas, who have two opposable thumbs on each paw, for gripping, and they have great table manners. (lovely creatures).

I realized how important the thumb is, especially my right thumb, when I burned it the other day, picking up a way-too-hot dish.

Ouch! I screamed from the pain like a rhesus monkey - who by the way also has an opposable thumb - as the throbbing feeling shot through my system. It hurt like hell.

I iced my thumb for about an hour. Each time I took off the ice cube for even five seconds, the pain shot to a level 10. This was no fun. To keep an ice cube on my thumb the rest of my life was not sustainable - unless I moved to the North Pole. Do they get summer?

Anyway, I quickly learned that ice, although helping significantly with burn pain, was not the best solution for healing. Apparently, it was Vaseline and a bandage. And tons of ibuprofen. What a relief that would be. If it worked.

It did. And for an hour I forgot about my thumb, until I was confronted by my next problem: not being able to use my thumb. I began fearing my future as a left-handed person or worse yet, a one-handed person.

Under My Thumb

As the day and days went on, it became apparent how much I use and need my thumb on my dominant hand. I had to eat left-handed, brush my teeth left-handed, and tragically use the remote control for the TV left-handed. And doing things with your off hand is not easy.

It got worse. Every task, from tying my shoes and buttoning my shirt became a challenge, with the biggest quandary of all being using my phone. If your thumb is all bandaged up and sensitive to the touch, you can’t tap on apps or swipe left, right or up and down. Or type.

My phone! My phone! How was I to live? Woe is me!

Now of course you can try to use your phone with your left thumb or other fingers, but it is not instinctual. It is awkward. And we only pick-up/check our phone 205 times a day (Reddit). No big deal. I’ll just attach string to a can instead. That gets WiFi right?

When you try to do anything without your thumb, you realize it’s next to impossible to adjust. The frustration mounts and you get angry. How did Jaime Lannister do it in Game of Thrones? He had to fight, and make love to his sister with one arm…

Then I started to worry about my own hobbies. I had a tennis match the next day, and what about playing my guitar?? This was my picking thumb!!!

I sulked and stewed in my own world, lamenting about all of the injuries that were piling up lately on my aging not-so-gracefully self.

My aching left wrist from falling off a bike a month ago. My broken/sprained left pinky from basketball two months ago (luckily, the pinky is pretty much a vanity finger at this point. I haven’t missed it much). My sore ankle. And my lower back. It goes on and on.

My body is breaking down before my eyes. If my body were a temple it would be the “Temple of Doom” and it would need a capital campaign, to raise money to fix the stained glass windows and splintering pews. Bring on the offering basket. Peace be with me.

Aging can be ugly. And hard. The little pains and stupid moves (like forgetting a plate is hot and holding on to it for fearing of spilling the dinner) are becoming more frequent as time goes on. I feel like I’m being held together with duct tape and prayers.

But what’s the alternative? Reverse aging is only available in Benjamin Button movies and time travel is still expensive.🤫 The aches and pains are a part of the experience of living. Of gaining wisdom. One-armed, one-handed. Leisurely brained. It doesn’t matter. To quote the song “Don’t Let Go the Coat” by The Who, “So I live my life tearing down the runway/Sure to get the hang of hanging in there someday.”

By day five, my thumb healed. The blister went away and the sensitivity faded to a level one. Moving on to the next thing.

Just don’t let me burn my right thumb again. Or let me be in a situation where I’m “Burning Down the House.” (I had to tie it back to David Byrne at some point.)