Aging Gracefully

My 29-Day Plank Challenge

Now in the summer of my disemploy, I decided to challenge myself physically to compensate for not being challenged mentally. Wordle can only get you so far. I was doom-scrolling through Instagram one night and saw one of those 30-day fitness challenges. This one was for chair-workouts. While I’m very good at occupying chairs, some would say stupendous at sitting, the chair-challenge seemed like an oxymoron and not the hardship I was looking for. I decided instead to do a 30-day Plank Challenge. One to three minutes a day. How hard could it be… how stupid am I?

Day 1:

I prepared for the first day by having a few drinks the night before in case I wouldn’t be able to drink as much during my plight.

Finally, the first day arrived. I went to do my plank for 1:30 seconds. I put a song on my iTunes, set the timer and I was off. I was fine for close to a minute, then I starting shaking like Shaking Beef. I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. I was all shook up. But I made it to 1:30 seconds.

I’m really excited about doing this and really committed to staying with something and completing it. I’ve needed to work on my follow-through and discipline and this gives me the perfect opportunity.

Day 2:

Forgot to do it.

Days 3-4:

Glad to get back in the saddle again, literally. I did my plank work in my boxing class. Boxing is so much fun for me. I love to hit inanimate objects. And it’s a great workout. In this class, after 10 rounds of punching drills on the heavy bag, the instructor makes you do core work. Set after set of planks, crunches and other delightful things. I try to distract myself by thinking about what unhealthy meal I’m going to eat as soon as the core work is over.

Days 5-10

Why do we work on our core? It is believed that core exercises strengthen your abs, back and shoulders and improves your balance, stability and posture. It also makes you nicer to people.

A strong core also helps with back pain. And while building your core is a giant pain in the ass, it does not help your ass. Thankfully, I have a fine ass already.

Back to a simple 90-second plank. I did it in the park this week where I was walking/working out. I didn’t start trembling uncontrollably until the last few seconds. I’m improving.

Days 11-15:

I’m now halfway done the challenge and I am feeling planked! I’m killing it with consistency. I’m doing these stupid planks every day and am up to two minutes. Huzzah. I always use a timer, but now I’ve taken to using iTunes more strategically. I fast forward the song so there is two minutes left to go when I begin my plank so I can know exactly when this grueling hell will be over. I mean my fun goal. This has been a lifesaver!

An aside: It is believed, though there is some uncertainty around this, that the plank was invented/popularized by Joseph Pilates, the man who invented Pilates. This was in the 1920s. (History of the Plank).

Pilates was not invented by Roman Emperor Pontius Pilate, as some people thought, including people who get caught up in silly word play. Pontius Pilate had no blood blisters on his hands in this case. Though he made some other bad decisions, I’m told.

The plank, albeit a different kind, achieved immortality in 2011, when the great show, The Office parodied the plank meme that had taken off earlier that year. That plank was the type where you just lay on the ground like a plank of wood. No effort or health benefits associated.

Days 16-21

I soldier on. “Neither Snow Nor Rain nor Heat Nor Gloom of Night” will prevent me from delivering on my mail (I mean goal). My journey to the core.

Some days I do nothing but the plank for two minutes, other days I weave it into a workout routine. I would like to try it while holding a cocktail.

I’m not sure if there is a record for holding a low plank while holding a drink, but there is an official Guinness World Record for holding a low plank. It is 9 hours, 38 minutes and 47 seconds, set by Josef Salek from the Czech Republic, in May 2023. A man literally with time on his hands (and forearms). He was also not working at the time.

Days 22-24

A hiccup in the plans. I flew to the east coast today to visit my (adult) nephews and niece. How am I going to do my planks on a day I travel across the country and then while I’m at their house for the weekend? Without being weird.

The solution for the first night was to do my plank during happy hour when I first arrived. (Of course, that’s not weird.) If I could hold a plank while drinking a cocktail it would give me the chance to enjoy happy hour while also potentially setting my own Guinness record for longest plank while drinking bourbon. I got my nephew, Jonny, to join me.

A toast while planking

Days 25-27

I’m finding the 2:30 second threshold exceedingly difficult. Some days, as I’m trying to hold my plank and starting to wear down and shake uncontrollably again, I start to pray and offer some deals to God.

First, I want to say that I’m not religious, in fact I’m a full-fledged atheist in the Sam Harris, Bill Maher vein. But a funny thing happens when your body is combusting and you have 18 seconds more to go. I started thinking, “Lord if you give me the strength to make it to the end, I’ll do anything!” Three seconds later, “I’ll convert to Christianity: ‘Are you a Christian, child? And I said, man I am tonight.’”*

Two long seconds later: “Ok, I’ll finally become that Rabbi my mother wanted me to be. Nah. How about a Buddhist monk?”

Finally, “Ok, I cheated on that Finance test in Business school!”

Boom, the timer goes off and I’ve made it another day. Lord have mercy.

Day 28

Why did I commit to this? Couldn’t I have chosen a month with only 28 days? What’s wrong with February? I feel like I’m doing the plank wrong because it’s hurting my back too much. Wait, have I been using the wrong form for 28 days? What’s wrong with me? Is it football season yet?

Day 29

I’ve started spitting sweat in the last 30 seconds. The sweat rolls down my face into my mouth and I spit it away. Attractive.

Also, I’ve discovered on the days that I’m not working out or even stretching that just walking into a plank is not easy. I’ve learned that the hard way as my plank today was a bear. Not “The Bear.” No, Chef. I thought Season Four was terrific. I want to make Hamburger Helper.

Things to think about/distract yourself (when not praying) while trying to hold a plank for 2:30.

Top 5 favorite songs by American artists

When am I going to get a job/leave my job?

When will everyone accept that climate change is man-made and happening?

How can I go forward when I don’t know which way I’m facing?

Breathe, breathe

Day 30

Hallelujah! Phew. That was sooo hard. But I feel strong. Physically and mentally. Three-fucking minutes in plank, people. Not a chair. I accomplished something and I did it without ChatGPT. Technically it was only 29 days, but I’ll take it. Get me a drink.

* Walking in Memphis, Marc Cohn